Connection First. Everything Else Can Wait.
This week I snapped at my 4 year old because she interrupted my hyperfocus spiral. The irony? I literally study this stuff. Hi.
I figured something out about myself this week.
I have been VERY preoccupied with starting new projects. The kind where your brain is humming at a frequency only dogs and ambition can hear.
And in the middle of all of the flowing productive brain vibrations there was my daughter. Asking questions. Interrupting. Existing loudly in the way that 4 year olds do as it is their full time job.
And it pissed me off.
I felt my body tense. I felt the sharpness leave my tongue faster than I wanted it to. I became a version of myself I don’t particularly like….the one who is physically present but somewhere else entirely, and annoyed about being interrupted on the way back.
Sooooo to be clear. I am allowed to have those feelings. The frustration is REAL and it is not a character flaw. It’s information. But here’s what I did with it.
Instead of letting the guilt eat me alive, I used my big girl words. I told my daughter how I was feeling in that moment. I told her I was sorry for being unkind. And then I said something I truly meant:
I will do better. Not next time. Now.
I caught myself in the moment and decided to adjust. Right there. Not after a good night’s sleep and a therapy session and a tarot card pull (though really fun). Right then.
But adjusting required me to actually understand what had happened. So I sat with it. Why did I snap SO fast?
ADHD. This is your name being called for f’n roll call, babyy.
My hyperfocus had been interrupted. I could not complete a thought loop… which for my particular brain risks losing everything I had just acquired in the previous 30 seconds. When you are in hyperfocus mode, this is genuinely precious retention real estate. An interruption isn’t just an interruption. It’s a potential wipe.
So now it is time that I ask myself, how do I set myself up for success in a way that honors the mother I want to be AND meets my work goals?
Plain and simple. I cannot do both at the same time.
For some people that’s totally possible and I am genuinely proud of those people. My nervous system, however, simply passes away when asked to be both a present mom and an aspiring big bad business lady simultaneously.
So here’s what I tried instead.
One hour of undivided attention first. No phone. No laptop. No tabs.
We went outside barefoot (don’t even “ew” me it was glorious). We walked around the backyard. We put our hands in the dirt and looked for roly polies…a true rite of passage for childhood. If you have never done this with a small child, is a genuinely beautiful way to remember that the world is actually kind of magical and you have been inside too long.
It regulated both of us. The connection that came from that hour set the entire tone of the day differently. For her and for me.
Connection first. Then work. In that order.
I opened my laptop later…..when she wasn’t pleading for my attention. When I could actually be present for both things instead of half-present for either.
….the thing I wish someone had told me earlier:
The best you can do as a parent is learn from yourself and adjust. Do it a little better. A little different. See how it feels. Observe yourself in moments of frustration and ask…what the actual fuck even is this? Why is it here? What does it need?
It doesn’t have to be perfect.
And sometimes…your children will be your greatest teachers.
My daughter didn’t know she was teaching me anything. She was just looking for my hand to hold to search for roly polies. I was paying attention this time.
When did your child last teach you something you didn’t know you needed to learn? Comments are open. I'm listening.